pride – Accepting This

I’m sharing a love poem from a few years ago. My husband and I are moving out of our first apartment in less than a week and I’ve been going through our things and making sure we aren’t taking anything we don’t need to our new home. I’ve caught myself finding letters and scraps of paper hiding in books and boxes. I wrote this poem for him after dating for eight months. This poem is a good reminder, to love and to love well. We are called to put others first, to love them above ourselves, above our pride, weaknesses, work, and even our sadness. Have you ever heard that love is at first a feeling and then it is a choice? I believe this to be true. We are all bearing burdens, battling emotions, distractions, and darkness. My heart aches, but it can also love. In sickness and in health, in the newness of spring and the dead of winter.

–

You are first.
The first thought I think in the morning,
the first voice I miss in the evening
You are first and only.
The only one I want when I don’t want anything,
the only good thing in the midst of my anxiety
You are first and last.
The last hand I will hold to my face,
feel your fingertips on my lips like a sacred belonging
the last heart I will carry in mine,
my love for you is a strong thing.
You are first to me, and for me,
before my pride and worry
You are before the sun and moon,
before the things I need to do
You are first and only, my dear,
I’d admire you for days, I admire you always
I’ll choose you first and only and last
First when I rise, only when I walk,
and last when I lay
You are first for all of the days.

Written 12.08.16

Inspired by John 12.20-36
Encouraged by John Piper, Dying as a Means of Loving

–

I’ve always known the red letters were sacred
and when I read them to myself I would try to deepen the tone
of my voice in my head, to make them sound more like Jesus
to make something or someone distant, feel a little closer

And in my dark moments of depression
when I clung to disobedience in fear that
following you would leave me more empty
I may have echoed the words of the Greeks at the feast,
“I wish to see you”
Many times I made the request,
Many times you revealed yourself and I turned away,
caught up in sorrow, persuaded by the need to save
To save someone on my own,
with my own strength

And in my elated moments of pride and false contentment,
I may have echoed those ancient words again
tossing my plea like a coin to a fountain
not knowing that your presence requires death

I remember the day that I committed to following you,
preceded by a lifetime of arguing, doubting,
surrendering and taking it back,
questioning, pondering, watching and waiting,
and finally saying
make me into something new,
take my life I give it to you.

I was a grain of wheat
fighting my fall to my death,
thank God for the moment that I finally gave in

I gave in to your grace and my death
led to Life,
I wish to see you Jesus
for who you are and not what I’ve made you out to be
I wish to know you Lord,
in the intricate ways that you have known and loved me

As you laid your life down for me,
teach me to do the same
Every day dying to self,
Heaven is my gain

As you shed your red blood for me,
spoken in red letters on paper to see
Dismantle my pride and obsession with
shortcomings,
Conquer my desire for earthly things,
put my selfishness to a red death
by a crucified King

Tag Archives: pride

First

Red Lettered Death