words, I use them for everything
they outline my silhouette
follow me wherever I
go, I breathe them out
and become them
I speak them
seek them, need them where are they now?
there are none
yet there are too many

the ache is indescribable and
shocking, horrifying, breaking us apart and holding us together
forced forgetfulness of this
irreversible reality finds me as
I fumble to go about existing
but the trees are laced with you,
the stars shine like they did on
the many nights that we lived
looking up at them in
wonder and awe
now you have become like them
a mystery,
distant yet illuminating

the only breath that I have in me
is caused by the knowledge that you are in peace
you are more free than you have ever been
you are more real now, more alive now,
more vibrant now

all of their words are about your brightness,
the contagious factor of your smile and existence you fought so hard to be with us
you gave us so much of yourself
your presence unlike any other
your love like a burning fire

so, my words will be of you,
shaped by you
for all of the days to come,
because you cannot be contained in a stanza
and no words could reflect the depth of this grief
the vacancy left inside of me
the complexity of this pain
my cousin, my best friend

written on 2.10.2021

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