delay

What to do when your brain echoes “empty, empty, empty”
What to output when internally you’re finding a distant memory on repeat
I promised myself that I would no longer speak of you
That your name, if said at all, would become unfamiliar when the syllables
Rolled off of my lips

I break promises,
I keep on, keep on, keep on
waving my hands in the air in surrender
letting my desperation penetrate the space surrounding,
Saying if I could just let this go one more time
Then it will really go and be gone

It’s not that simple,
is everyones favorite phrase when a decision is hard to make,
At least it’s not a lie –
Simplicity breaks evenly, complexity tears away at the weak parts,
crosses up confusion and misunderstanding to make a way for
hostility, resentment, and pure sorrow in its emptiest of forms
There isn’t a way to jam all those parts back together again when
complexity has had its way, just a misshapen jigsaw trying to forge the
outcome of a solution

I have tired myself of words and composition,
leaving my unsettled discontent in the hands of a butcher
This is the time when I prepare myself for the continuation of
wondering and why-ing, some call it doubt;
I now see it as curiosity, but not the kind that is enticing or beautiful,
rather the kind that is chopped up by longing, desire, and unanswered questions

If there’s anything within me that can become settled
it is the decision I make every night before falling asleep
I decide that morning will come and with it
a familiarity of newness,
and it is in this newness that I hope to find a form of
resolution, it’s been years now with out one,
but who am I to say there cannot be?

I decide to leave it to the morning,
like many things, but I believe this is the only item
meant to be put off until further notice,
delayed, accepted as unfinished

Wrap up your uncertainties for a time where they have a chance
to be put to death, don’t let them hang around where there is
food and nourishment
Don’t let them live on your couch and shower in
your bathroom, get them gone before they are like
neighbors and close friends
They will not console you when truth breaks in