I let the sea

It’s the altogether helplessness of the matter
the standing up just to need to sit back down
the sound of my own laughter acts as a reminder,
the hollow place in my fingertips that rest on my mouth
when there are no more words

I let the sea swallow me whole,
I ran out into the iced waves
saying take me in, take me under
and under I went

I let the sea renew my soul,
I took the sand and felt it slip
through the fractures like your love
has and will always until I hold it no longer

I’ve already written a thousand poems about it
about the leftover feelings and aches
about the curves of your silhouette and
how it matches the outline of my heart break

but this is admitting the tartness,
because I need to make it out clean
the way I am taken from familiarity
into an isolated
place, where I am haunted
by recurring wonders
where curiosity leads to
dysphoria, where fond memories
lead to longing

how long will I be reminded
and hoping that you are too,
I only hope good and sweet things for you

I let the sea swallow me whole,
the waves came quick
and now I am carved out hollow

I let the sea renew my soul,
tenderness crushed up like shells
it is not freedom yet
it is only getting used to it