it seems impossible for me to cultivate words from this sickening stone sinking in my gut,
heavy and rough.
i feel the muscles in my mouth contract and a taste so sour rises to the surface of my tongue
feel as if my shoulders could collapse and my heart could cave in.
i am not cold but i am shivering from this devastation that has so clearly broken their hearts, i am familiar with the feeling of loss, and the way it can shatter all confidence.
but it was not the brokenness that i first noticed it was the strength in this woman’s tone- her heart melted with the fire that invaded her home yet her soul stands strong-clinging to god like we all should be doing daily, but for some reason find it unmanageable.
it could be the visual images that have got my insides twisted, the burnt curtains hanging on by a thread, the melted lamp shade, the ash covered children’s books.
it could be the loss, that i have been so greatly fearing, confronted. morphed into the shape of a house that once was filled with joy and passion and now smoke drenched walls and disintegrated memories.
how powerful can a flame be to steal a home, a place of security, a crib.
god’s grace is abundant even in the midst of smoke, even when it feels you are in taking acid instead of oxygen.
and how did i come upon this conclusion?
by the peace that she puts into words upon a page,
by the heavy presence i feel while staring at these images, blackened by flame, and then the contradicting words below that claim to have hope, renewed by faith.
“The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord
What else can we say in the face of loss?
If I can’t believe in this, then I have nothing” she writes.
i want to say more, to incorporate my true awe over this event but i can’t find the words.
a woman of god faces fire and flames but her soul is not put to death,
a family whose foundation is built on the promises of the lord cannot be burnt down by tribulation,
can’t be tormented by heat.
all these things i hold valuable, all these passions i hold close, if they were gone would i still be able to believe in an unfailing love?
her enduring faith is an inspiration, her determination to find the purpose in the horrible is shocking, and because of this i thank god for his mercy and love.
inspired by trinity’s story: http://trinitywilbourn.blogspot.com/