this is what helps me let go of my anxieties
when i read these passages that perfectly convey the extremities of my worldly desires
and i know i am insane in this peculiar way but i am alright with it, i (now not always) accept my strange thoughts for what they are after this lure into a world of literature that is so large and intrusive.
this degree of sensuality the writer speaks of is in a way more truth than the definition itself, i do not want to cling to these things i hold around me, materials that i can hold in my hand, but i value the greatness i cannot grasp..
the sense of peace, purity, the joy, the gratification one can only feel by achieving greater things!
so, why? why waste these nights gasping for air? why have i let myself so readily sink into despair and loneliness that only matters to the mere humanity inside of me.
what isn’t too large to find perfect understanding?
my words are too big alone to develop any fullness. it’s all half empty when i look at the glass from this perspective.
but wait! i can move. i can walk, and i can see that there is another way to view this glass.
and another thing, if anyone at all is reading these sketches i’ve made, what do you listen to?
the sounds of the street, of the city or of the trees? the music that enthralls your mind is not a disappearing act, but more like a candle that melts chemically and forms into something new.. wax, which bonds have been broken but consistency still lives. these tunes change you, alter you, what do you let cultivate you?
i mutter these ideas aloud and realize that i am far from where i would like to be, but i accept this season as a time of discovering what is in my reach, and what is not.
silence? i’ve heard it! i’ve heard it echo off of the walls of my heart and the roof of my mouth but no, i don’t let it deteriorate my soul.. not anymore. i accept silence as a privilege now, sometimes more than others, but at least i have recognized that this desolate world holds much less value, even with its noise.. silence is better than this noise. His silence is better than this world.
I am encompassed by the details of my mind, the cracks in my heart, and the weariness of my soul- but no, i won’t let this hold me forever, and i will embrace it for what it is now.. a different perspective than i’ll have after a years worth of time, a different perspective than i will have tomorrow.
how could i live with the enormity of my thoughts if it weren’t for the capabilities of my hand?