dwell

the simplicity in this life is so easily stolen by the complexity. i cannot help myself from questioning the conformity of this society, and i always come up more helpless than before. i don’t understand the need to do so many things that ultimately bring me no experience, no joy, and no wisdom. i want to put my time and effort into happiness, and successes that i will be proud of gaining, not happy to put behind me, i want to do something for someone else. if only the people who “taught” could really teach the actualities of life. but what do i know? my insight seems to bound me up instead of set me free, i only feel above complications when i am not involved in them and my language of generosity seems to be a barrier, along with compassion which only brings me down. i still have to look towards truth, because in my mind now all i see is darkness and shadows, and avoiding what i know has to be true somehow, denying it, and cursing it only leads to a deeper loneliness. i’ve got plenty of things ahead of me, and i’ve got a world full of anxiety inside of me. behind me? it’s hard to glance at my past that seems like a different lifetime, but now. right now i’m consumed by consistent failures and doubts. i want to be putting every drop of my soul towards something, a purpose or an idea. not a decided curriculum that allows no room to breathe, not a selfish goal, not a crumbled talent. but below all of that, the materialistic things in front of our eyes, there is where i find my real disappointment. in myself, in my heart that i wish contained more integrity and belief. but i could go on forever, with these thoughts that dwell and dwell until they dissolve, then resurface, and sprout new opinions, new pains, and dwell and dwell and dwell.